


Accept Me, Let Me In

by AeonWing



Series: Smeft [1]
Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-11 21:46:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10475130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AeonWing/pseuds/AeonWing
Summary: Kt Rolster's horrible loss to Kongdoo causes Deft and Smeb to re-evaluate and come to terms with their relationship





	

**Author's Note:**

> For context: KT Rolster's problems are mostly stemming from their inability to play as a team, as a unit. It honestly feels like everyone is playing to carry, and no one trusts/supports one another (except Mata of course)

Hyukkyu hadn’t spoken a single word, hadn’t even dared to make eye contact on the drive back to the gaming house. Then again, neither had the rest of the team. It was mentally taxing enough to fall into this downward spiral, this bottomless free fall. But losing against Kongdoo was the final straw.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

A team that dared to call itself a super-team, that dare call itself SKT’s rivals has no argument, no excuse to lose in such an ungraceful fashion.

Everyone tried to stay positive for the post-game fan meet, but it was nothing more than a façade. One they could no longer keep up. That positivity that everyone seemed to have during the fan meet, sapped, stripped from their exhausted frames. That positivity that no one bothered to show in each other’s company.

“Hyukkyu,” Kyungho whispered, gently massaging Hyukkyu’s lifeless hand, only to be met with no response, just as he hadn’t for the past half hour. There was no shame, nothing wrong with such a simple gesture. No one should be condemned to self-pity and misery.

And most certainly, not Hyukkyu.

The sun hadn’t quite set, and Hyukkyu was perpetually turned away, staring blankly through the car window.

It was only for this reason that Kyungho could even see anything. Through that blurry reflection from the window, Hyukkyu looked lifeless, dead even. If it wasn’t for the slight trembling of his shoulders, Kyungho would’ve honestly thought so.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the team arrived home, Hyukkyu unhesitatingly wrenching Kyungho’s hand away from his. The first to exit, yet the last to recover from such a devastating loss. Even when he caught up with his marksman, when his hand brushed against Hyukkyu’s, he was met with no affection, no intention to return the sentiment, or even to _acknowledge_ his existence.

But compared to Hyukkyu’s suffering, Kyungho could only imagine.

He followed Hyukkyu to his room, and it was only when the door was firmly shut, the click of the lock a reassuring reminder that they were indeed _alone_ , did he finally dare to speak.

“Hyukkyu, please…” He began, but bit his lip when the younger boy turned away, burying his face in the pillows. He had  seen Hyukkyu upset before, but there was something about the raw helplessness about the situation that was absolutely gut-wrenching.

Perhaps it was the fact that they were a team. That their suffering should be mutual, should be shared.

“Leave me alone,” he mumbled, his face still hidden by the cover of the pillows. It was a short statement, dismissive and cold, but in that short frame of time, it spoke volumes. Even if his face was hidden, that raw desperation in his broken voice spoke everything he wanted to say.

They were a super-team. They weren’t supposed to lose. They had star players in literally every role. Yet it felt like no one could find their ground, no one could _untilt_ themselves, or even play properly anymore. None of it made any sense.

“Hyukkyu, I’m not going anywhere,” Kyungho whispered, shaking his head. His voice was firm, masking the equal frustration and disappointment.  “It’s… It’s not anyone’s fault.”

He bit his lip. That was a lie.

And although he couldn’t see Hyukkyu’s face, he could swear he _felt_ something snap. Like that lie was a cold admission of guilt and shame.

“You know that isn’t true,” Hyukkyu whispered back. “Stop lying, hyung.”

Of course it was a lie. They were a team. They might play on opposite sides of the map, but they were a team nonetheless. They won as a team, and likewise, they lost as a team. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, for they all shouldered the burden of blame.

And so, Kyungho merely remained silent, unable to find words. A silence which Hyukkyu took as his answer.

“Leave me alone,” he mumbled again, this time with the slightest touch of venom in his normally reserved tone. The raw potency of it sent shivers down Kyungho’s spine. Some unnerving, rawness in the tone that struck some inexplicable fear.

 

_Is this the end?_

 

“I can’t do that,” Kyungho whispered, barely audible, barely in control. “You know I can’t.”

 

_How dare you._

 

“Why not?” The boy whispered back, losing the last remnants of integrity in his voice. So it would come to this. “You clearly didn’t care… Not when… Not when we were…”

He didn’t need to finish that sentence.

 

_When we were in game._

 

That accusation hurt. It stung harder than the most vicious of bees. It cut deeper than the sharpest of knives. Only because it was painfully true. It was an accusation that may as well be a statement.

No one trusted one another. No one played for one another, but for themselves.

And this was the consequence of selfishness.

“I…” Kyungho began, but the words escaped him, as did his train of thought.

“Why hyung, why?” Hyukkyu choked out, the tears evident. “Why can’t anyone trust me? Why can’t anyone trust each other? Why can’t _you_ trust me?”

It was just another question, right? How could this situation get any worse? All Hyukkyu did was ask something that everyone already felt, already wanted to ask, but hadn’t dared. So it shouldn’t hurt any more than losing this hard already did right?

But it did.

Kyungho took a reluctant step back, the need to cry suddenly became overwhelming. Why had they waited so long? Why had they allowed this pervasive problem to drag on for so long, to the point that they couldn’t even clinch second anymore? Why did it feel like no one could trust one another?

_Why?_

“I… I don’t know,” he whispered weakly, bordering inaudible. Hyukkyu was right. No one played for him. No one played for their marksman, for their teammate.  And now it looked like no one trusted one another anymore. “I’m sorry.”

But that was the most he could speak. The words he wanted to speak were elusive, as were their wins. As was the camaraderie in the few remaining elements that kept them together.

“Hyukkyu, look at me,” he whispered, encouragingly peeling the younger boy’s fingers away from the pillow that dutifully concealed his visage.

But he almost immediately regretted that decision, drawing a shuddering breath as soon as his eyes met Hyukkyu’s.

That warm, comforting gaze was gone.

Long gone.

And in its place was undiluted self-loathing and misery.

“Hyung, I…” He whispered, tears welling in those soft, gentle eyes. “Am I just…Not enough? Would you rather have someone else play for you? Is that it? Is that why you can’t trust me?” He choked out, miserably burying his face in the older boy’s chest, in Kyungho’s arms.

Arms he didn’t feel safe in.

Arms he didn’t feel warmth from.

But they were all he had.

And in the rarest of moments, he caught a glimpse of the boy’s eyes, a long struggle after Hyukkyu had so dutifully concealed everything.

Those sad, sad eyes that couldn’t even hold Hyukkyu’s for more than a split second.

Those sad, sad eyes that described an internal conflict better than any words could ever do.

Those sad, sad eyes.

That perhaps somewhere along the line, during the months passed, that made Kyungho fall in love with him in the first place.

He closed his eyes, exhaling sharply.

Everything felt so clear. So obvious. How could he have been so foolish, so short-sighted and disillusioned?

“I’m… I’m so sorry, Hyukkyu,” he whispered, burying his face in the crook of the younger boy’s neck, eyes tightly shut in pain. “Hyukkyu, I… I…”

He was met with no answer. Hyukkyu’s thin frame still trembled terribly, finding no respite, no comfort in Kyungho’s arms. His words fell on deafened ears.

He felt horrible. Like walking on eggshells, he was on the brink of losing someone he never realized was so dear to him.

A life without Hyukkyu.

A world without him.

 

_I’ll never take you for granted again._

 

The silence that once defined the background was now absent, replaced by Hyukkyu’s soft, feeble whimpers, the thundering of Kyungho’s heartbeat against his chest. He was afraid. Afraid of losing any more games. Afraid of hurting any more.

But even more than anything, afraid of hurting Hyukkyu.

“Hyukkyu… I… I love you,” he finally whispered, his voice giving in along with his efforts to hold on.

At least saying those words out loud at last felt like vindication.

Hyukkyu didn’t respond. Only that soft, desperate whimper that chilled Kyungho to the bone. He was hurting. Hurting badly.

And just the knowledge of that caused something to snap.

“I love you,” he breathed once more, voice breaking along with his heart. Nothing could’ve been worse than this. Nothing compared to seeing Hyukkyu so heartbroken, so vulnerable.

Perhaps this was what he deserved. So much damage was done. How long had he known? How long had he ignored it? How long had he been aware, yet refuse to take action?

“I’m… I’m sorry Hyukkyu,” he whispered, voice trembling, the heat in his core untamed. “This… This was all my fault… Wasn’t it?”

“Hyung…” Hyukkyu finally whispered, some semblance of control returning to his voice, some semblance of composure returning to his lifeless, cold figure, some response at last, to Kyungho’s waning touch.

“I should… I should just… Leave… You alone…” He whispered, closing his eyes in defeat. “It’s… It’s all my fault that we’ve come to this… I just… I… Maybe this… _Us_ … we aren’t meant to be.”

But whether that was meant as teammates on the rift, or lovers, he could not say.

Perhaps it was both.

The thought caused Kyungho’s face to twist in fear, and the barriers he kept up for so long finally crumbled, the remainder of a façade he spent so long building up. He could no longer fake, nor hide it. Words stillborn, perhaps spoken too late.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, for what felt like the last time.

Instinctively, he turned away, his eyes set on the door, the one last barrier that would symbolize distance. That would signify the ending of a story unstarted.

 

_Never could I…_

 

One step.

But that was what it took for Hyukkyu to start talking.

“Hyung, wait,” he spoke, the strength in his voice a welcome change. “Wait, please!”

 

_Wait, please._

 

Was there hope?

Kyungho could still feel the thunder of his heart in chest as he opened his mouth, only for no sound to come out, utterly surprise at the sudden turn of events. This was not a possibility he had considered. He could feel Hyukkyu’s dark eyes on him, but the expression was unreadable, unfathomable.

It made him tense, made him feel as if the world would collapse at this very juncture. What was he going to say? What would he want?

Kyungho could find no answer, no logical answer to the series of events leading up to this moment. So he just remained silent, shaking his head in confusion.

He wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

He wasn’t prepared for this.

Wasn’t prepared for Hyukkyu’s lips to meet his, for the younger boy’s hands to pull him by the collar, to gently hold his hand. For the desperation that he so dutifully concealed for so long to become so apparent. He had feared Hyukkyu would push him away. Yet he did not. He did not condemn him. There was no coldness, no hate in the way those lips met his. No roughness.

It was soft, it was gentle.

And he could get lost in this moment, in the preciousness of their time alone.

Kyungho returned the kiss, almost too eagerly. He shivered at the gentle, yet potent way Hyukkyu’s lips worked on his, could feel his skin crawl with desire. He shivered at the way the younger boy’s hands held him, stroked his face, ran through his hair.

And it was only the need for oxygen that finally ended their kiss, that Kyungho finally had an opportunity to see a different side of Hyukkyu. Though his delicate cheeks were still marred by tears, the flush was evident, as was the recovery in his eyes.

So this wasn’t the end.

So Hyukkyu _had_ answered him.

In a better way than Kyungho had ever imagined, had ever hoped for.

They sat there, heavy breaths the defining trait of the warm room. Kyungho could feel the flush of his own cheeks, the hammering of his heart against his chest. His dark eyes scanned Hyukkyu, and knew he felt the same.

“Well,” he finally spoke, his breaths still ragged. “I guess… I guess we can… Make this work…” He whispered, his eyes fixed on Hyukkyu’s, scanning for any change, anything to confirm the obvious. He wanted, needed confirmation, validation.

Fortunately, his worries were without warrant.

“Yes…” Hyukkyu answered.

“I’m just… I’m just so sorry,” Kyungho murmured, and something in his voice caused Hyukkyu’s heart to skip a beat. There was this raw impulse about the apology that made it feel that much more natural, more real. He stroked Kyungho’s cheek once more, gently pulling him closer, relief washing over him when he saw his top laner’s expression soften.

“What for…?”

“For never telling you. For never returning what was so obvious. For never trusting you. For everything,” he sighed, joining a hand to Hyukkyu’s, resting on his cheek. The words flowed like water from an open faucet, naturally and effortlessly.

“Yeah, I guess you have a reason to be sorry then,” Hyukkyu chuckled, a smile finally forming on his gentle features. That irresistible smile that Kyungho had missed for so, so long. For far too long.

“I guess I’m just an idiot,” he responded with a chuckle.

“But you’re _my_ idiot, hyung,” Hyukkyu murmured, warmly embracing the older boy. “Okay? Don’t leave me… Please…”

Such a stark contrast to just an hour ago. It felt surreal, it felt like a fever dream.

But dream or reality, Kyungho wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

He pulled Hyukkyu closer once more, fervently kissing him again, relishing in the warmth of the younger boy’s arms, his thin frame against his own.

“I love you Hyukkyu,” he whispered again.

Hyukkyu chuckled.

“I love you too. But you’re still an idiot.”

There was no venom in his tone, nothing but playfulness. Kyungho’s eyes lit up at that, uncontrollable warmth and happiness washing over him as their eyes locked. His heart was still pounding against his chest, but there was no discomfort associated with it.

It was as if his heart wanted to liberate itself, free itself of its shackles.

For today, it would no longer belong to just Kyungho. But Hyukkyu too.

“I know. But idiot or not, I still love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> So... Leave a comment if you liked it/hated it? I always appreciate feedback! The premise of them having feelings for one another already is a little... obscure, but still, ^^
> 
> Thank you to onlyluvs for betaing this!


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